Reflections: Part 1

I've spent most of today sick and either having bizarre, delirious dreams or thinking about what to write.  I'm upset at myself for being sick during the last week, and because we're only really getting things together for photography club now, and yet I feel so sick I can barely function.  The only reason I have internet right now is because I needed to check to see if my bank had replied to my e-mail (they had!  Yay I probably won't be homeless!)

I wanted to say something I hadn't been able to fully contemplate, but I've failed.  I'll have to wait until tomorrow hopefully.

I'm not ready for the program to end.

I'm not ready to let go of my students.

And this is made further complicated by the fact I have no idea what I'm going to do next week.

SO THIRSTY

But still fasting.  Staying strong!

Rainbows & Hearts, Etc...

Here are the good things:

*I've finally actually made a friend here!  I'm not a 12 year old girl and I'll survive as an island, but it's nice to be appreiciated.  There are several people here that I've hung out with and enjoyed meeting, but when it came time to break off into groups I was sick of being the one all by myself.  So.  One an extremely personal level, that's been good.

*My hair's finally been dyed!  I was going to wait until the program need and then dye it something crazy, but I got so sick of the multiple layers of gross bleached hair (after the pink washed out) and my friend wanted to dye it.  So.  El humdalilah, it's now dark red.

*The program is almost over.  I just have to keep thinking about that.  This is a good thing as well as a bad, because I am exhausted both physically and emotionally.  I need a break.  I can only hope I will be able to get that.  Even a hostel bed would be better than our pads and ridiculously hard, giant pillows.  Not that I don't love them as memories of my time here, but still.

*Other than the previously mentioned incident,  my time in Beirut was rejuvenating.  We hung out at a feminist centers/cafe to watch two documentaries which I'll talk about later (even more entries!) and they were selling a book about lgbt relationships in Lebanon, which of course I ended up buying.  If I end up staying in Beirut, I will definitely be going back there.  I have this fantasy of staying in Beirut with a job at such a place.  It's nice to think about.

*I contacted my financial advisor so hopefully I will have money soon.

*Ramadan has been amazing.  Mood swings, dehydration, and hunger aside, it's definitely been worth it to experience.  It's long been my personal opinion that it's stupid to do stuff just because someone tells you to, and I'm including God(s) in that.  But I think the reasons behind Ramadan are beautiful.  I will hopefully never know what it's like to be really, truly live in poverty.  But to experience even this small inkling of it has been eye opening.  At any moment if it became too much, I could always buy a bottle of water or some food.  I never did, but it was there as an option if I needed it.  That option isn't there for a huge population of the world, many of whom live in places that have ridiculously high temperatures.  Also, it's been great to fast along with everyone else here.

Darkness & Despair, Etc...

Everything's kind of twisted up in my head so I think I will try and make several posts to explain the situation.

Here are the things that are worrying me:

* first of all, it is really difficult to imagine the program ending in just 4 days.   I feel like I haven't done enough for these kids.  I feel like my first class is bored and my second class does't care enough and I feel like if I had more time I might be able to figure out how to ramp up their energy, but under the current curriculum requirements for this coming week and with the lack of time available, I can't imagine much changing.  I feel like I'm a really good teacher when it ones to reading stories or articles and then forcing them to analyze said articles and figure out the meaning of words they don't know.  I can definitely tell they're engaged and their attention is on me.  I've come up with good vocabulary games.  They seem happy to discuss their readings and even happier reading.  But when it comes to things like having them sit quietly and write essays or even just simple sentences about their weekends, I'm totally shit.  They say no, they talk loudly to each other in Arabic, and no matter how much I yell at them I only ever get a marginal and temporary control over them.

It is also sad to think of everyone here leaving and going off on my own.  I'm only really close with one person here, but that doesn't mean I'm ready to leave the safety and security of the roof over my head and my 7 roommates to try and make it work via couchsurfing and hosteling.

Furthermore, I don't know if I'm getting a sub letter next month yet, and I'm in increasingly dire straights financially (I've had some stuff stolen during a recent trip to Beirut, but I don't want to talk about it.  I didn't even tell my other volunteers.  I acted stupidly).

*Photography class was pretty much a complete failure.  My co-teacher decided he was making a documentary about the 1948 refugees living in the camp and most of these children don't speak English and I don't speak Arabic and there are 2 cameras (1 broke) and like 20 children and I am not a good enough teacher to make this work.  I tried to make them interview each other and it failed.  I have to hope they at least marginally enjoyed some of the time they spent taking pictures, but even that seems like a long shot in light of their bored and disinterested expressions.

*I'm fasting and I've really enjoyed it, but I can't turn down a free meal if I'm THIS badly off financially (and I really, really am) so I think when school starts tomorrow I will have to start secretly consuming food away from the children.  This is a mixed bag.  I've really enjoyed feeling like a part of something by fasting, but I've also had quite a few mood swings that I know have been caused by lack of food and water, and furthermore, my sleep schedule is complete shit when I'm waking up or staying up until 3 a.m. to have breakfast and so when shit goes down, my energy and emotional strength dips violently.

*I have no idea where I am going to go or what I am going to do in a little over a week.  No.  Idea.  Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

A Quick Update

Sick!

I just had my classes make lanterns, poems and cards for Ramadan, because I couldn't do much else.  I lost even more respect from then than usual, but what happens happens.  One kid made a card for me, which I proudly display by my bed.  My name is now "Miss Mage" according to the card.  I think this is a good name.

ALSO ...I'm going to try and fast.   Let's hope I make it!

A Trip to the Border

On Saturday we went to the border.  It was emotional!  A lot of the Palestinian staff from the Bour el-Shamali camp got upset.  It must be terrible to see your homeland so close and yet know their's no way in.  There was a wall, and yes, the wall looked familiar.  The UN troops there were Indonesian and some took pictures of us.  Some people got angry at me, but I didn't mind much.  I'm sure my government already knows I'm here.  I don't think a picture of me at the border would make much difference.  Nor do I assume my picture will even be put it in a file. More likely some people in  Indonesian will mock the stupid faces the Americans made.

Then we drove onwards to Maroun al Ras.  A stranger town I could not imagine.  In honor of 

Ahmadinejad's visit there a few years ago, the town has virtually been transformed into an

Iranian theme park.  We watched young children playing elaborate paintball games and wondered what the Israelis only a few kilometers away thought of it.  To them, would it look   ike military training?  For whatever reason, their paintball vests said NYPD too.

I then found a mosque there.  It was only two years old, and it was haunting to me to imagine the people who had not yet prayed in it.



A song we listened to on the way:

Then on Sunday, I went to  the Roman ruins on the coast.  Originally, I had planned to join an impromptu boat trip set up by the program leaders, but when I woke up the next morning I wasn't really interested.  I'd been dying to go this whole trip and got excited at the prospect of a taxi driver who speaks English and was at the beck and call of only the 7 of us who hadn't gone boating.  And virtually no one was around so I got to wander them by myself.  It was beautiful.

Now I'm at that restaurant again.  Hezbollah is giving a speech.  I'll have to see how it goes.