Yup

Bilbo Took the Old Timey Tardis to Old Timey Paris

This was at Paris' Crime Museum

I imagine it's an old-fashioned Tardis!

Bilbo is Entranced by Moulin Rouge

I imagine this as a hilarious outake from "There and Back Again"

Bilbo Still Likes Paris

Bilbo at the Erotic Museum

(I'm secretly a dirty old man)

Bilbo Hides in Notre Dame

Bilbo Breaking Hearts

Bilbo Discovers Parisian Art

Bilbo at Place des Vosges

Bilbo in Tannourine

Guess what I bought today???

Bilbo scopes out the competition for his own book "There & Back Again"

Beirut

Or rather, *I'm* in Beirut.  I have an apartment in Hamra.  I haven't got a job yet, but I've started volunteering at Shatila.  I went to Baalbek.  And also, a PC party.  I went back to Byblos for a bit.  I nearly got raped near the pigeon rocks, in a small watery cave.  Things yo yo so much I'm not sure if everything's amazing or awful in my life right now, I'll wake up one day and everything that needed solving is solved, and then I find out my sub-letter skipped out on me without ever paying rent and my landlords' want a $1000 in reparations.  I don't even know.  Still.  I'll keep soldiering on. It's hard to think things are bad when you really know what bad is, so deep it's in your bones.

That thing I wanted to say, way back during my last days in Rashidieh.  Tragedy doesn't cross out tragedy; nor does it justify any.  This one girl in my camp talked about her worries that she would go to former concentration camps and could only think about how the Israeli government used them to stir up hatred for Palestinians during high school field trips by saying "Look at what the Nazis did to us; Look at what the Palestinians want to do to us now."  Well if that's true, that's tragic, but it can't make what happened in those concentration camps any less.

During orientation we talked to '48 survivors who had fled their homes over 60 years ago.  What struck me was how similar their stories were to those I'd heard from Holocaust survivors during my class last year.  So much running and screaming and hiding.  So many mistakes.  One girl said she grabbed her little brother and ran and only realized later that she'd only grabbed a doll.  If you had heard that story without context would you know if that little girl had been Palestinian or Jewish?



If any family or friends out there are reading this, stay tuned for more updates on my travels and more pictures of Bilbo soon.

Keep a marshmallow warm with a fire

Stay tuned for more updates!

Beirut on a Budget

To distract myself from certain unaliable facts, I've decided to write up a blog entry on where to go in Beirut if you find yourself with limited funds.  I'll update the list it as I find more things to add...

Where to Eat

Mezzo di Pasta

Very frequently I go to Mezzo and get their large combo meal for 12,500 lires (or $8.33) and that is usually enough to last me all day.  True story.  For the large combo you get a big helping of their fresh pasta, a small, delicious chocolate crepe & a drink.  Also pita bread if you know to ask for it.  They have a wide range of pastas and sauces.  My personal favorite meal is to get the Indy sauce with cheese, which results in a spicy, delicious, almost curry-like mac & cheese.  They're open late (until midnight every day, at least at the Gemmayzeh branch) and they also have excellent 'Happy Hour' meal deals between 4 and 8.

Feyy

In Gemmyzeh, this restaurant actually shares the same building as Mezzo, which is how I found it.  Cheap middle eastern & mediterranian

sandwiches & deserts are available, and they too have excellent 'Happy Hour' deals.  Their food ain't half bad either.

BarBar

Everyone knows this one, but still, it has to be mentioned...cheap & open late, it's a great choice if you're in the Hamra area and craving a snack.

Random Mankoushe Stands

Mankoushe (prounounced Man-a-eesh for singular or Man-u-shee for plural as far as I've heard) is a type of middle eastern pizza.  Like with pizza, you can frequently get a variety of toppings, but unlike pizza in the US, it will only cost you a few bucks for a whole one.

Where to Stay

Hotel Al Shahbaa

Ok so it's pretty much run by the Lebanese version of Michael Scott (and I mean that in the nicest way possible.  Like Michael Scott, the guy has a heart of gold.  But he can also be strange, to say the least and he will awkwardly try to flirt with you).  If you stay here, you won't have a ton of privacy, the other people running the place frequently walk around in very little clothing and there isn't air conditioning.  Why, you might ask, should you then stay at Al Shahbaa?  Well like I said, the guy running it is very nice.  I had a simple, but large room to myself for only $20.  Dorm beds only cost $12 and if you're ever in dire straights the guy will work with you to find someplace to sleep, even if you have little or no money.  You'll also get free tea or coffee in the morning.  But best of all, there's free access to more-than-adaquete internet.

Talal Hotel

For $13 you get a "dorm" bed in a room with only 3 beds *AND* you get air conditioning.  The people are pretty nice here, and let me store some bags overnight for free when I wasn't staying there.  They might or might not give you free tea or coffee, but it's certainly more comfortable than Al Shahbaa.

The Mayflower Hotel

For those with larger budgets or who just want to have a treat (like I did on my birthday), you may want to stay at The Mayflower.  It's renowned for its former guests- Graham Greene, Russian spies & foreign correspondents during the war- than its service, but it's nice.  I wouldn't say it necessarily deserves it's 4 stars, but it's a still a pretty nice find for $70 (as it often is on booking.com's website).  The breakfast buffet, nice bathrooms, air conditioning, & free excellent internet probably make it worth it alone.

Hotel Amada

Located a 30 minute walk away from Byblos, this gay-friendly hotel & hostel is worth staying at if you want to spend more than a one night exploring Byblos without emptying your wallet.

Couchsurfing

Couchsurfing is always of great benefit to adventurous travellers on a budget.  Be careful though!  I've found there is a higher-than-average number of creepy males lurking on Lebanon's.

Where To Go

AUB

This campus is lush, and definitely worth a visit for it's free archeological museum & the nearby street art that famously surrounds it.

The Pigeon Rocks

Gorgeous, and for less than $10 you can score a boat ride around them.

Nasawiya

This lovely feminist cafe takes payments in donations only.  They're also currently selling 3 t-shirts for only 10,000 lire (approx. $6.50!).  They frequently hold cool movie screenings & events and they have an excellent library.

At Amada Hotel near Byblos

I have a lot to update on here, but in any case, I'm outside Byblos in a town called Fidar staying at an awesome gay-friendly hotel with no address (literally, half the businesses in Lebanon have no address).  Spending quality time recovering from sickness and being broke.  Send good thoughts my way please!

Reflections: Part 1

I've spent most of today sick and either having bizarre, delirious dreams or thinking about what to write.  I'm upset at myself for being sick during the last week, and because we're only really getting things together for photography club now, and yet I feel so sick I can barely function.  The only reason I have internet right now is because I needed to check to see if my bank had replied to my e-mail (they had!  Yay I probably won't be homeless!)

I wanted to say something I hadn't been able to fully contemplate, but I've failed.  I'll have to wait until tomorrow hopefully.

I'm not ready for the program to end.

I'm not ready to let go of my students.

And this is made further complicated by the fact I have no idea what I'm going to do next week.

SO THIRSTY

But still fasting.  Staying strong!

Rainbows & Hearts, Etc...

Here are the good things:

*I've finally actually made a friend here!  I'm not a 12 year old girl and I'll survive as an island, but it's nice to be appreiciated.  There are several people here that I've hung out with and enjoyed meeting, but when it came time to break off into groups I was sick of being the one all by myself.  So.  One an extremely personal level, that's been good.

*My hair's finally been dyed!  I was going to wait until the program need and then dye it something crazy, but I got so sick of the multiple layers of gross bleached hair (after the pink washed out) and my friend wanted to dye it.  So.  El humdalilah, it's now dark red.

*The program is almost over.  I just have to keep thinking about that.  This is a good thing as well as a bad, because I am exhausted both physically and emotionally.  I need a break.  I can only hope I will be able to get that.  Even a hostel bed would be better than our pads and ridiculously hard, giant pillows.  Not that I don't love them as memories of my time here, but still.

*Other than the previously mentioned incident,  my time in Beirut was rejuvenating.  We hung out at a feminist centers/cafe to watch two documentaries which I'll talk about later (even more entries!) and they were selling a book about lgbt relationships in Lebanon, which of course I ended up buying.  If I end up staying in Beirut, I will definitely be going back there.  I have this fantasy of staying in Beirut with a job at such a place.  It's nice to think about.

*I contacted my financial advisor so hopefully I will have money soon.

*Ramadan has been amazing.  Mood swings, dehydration, and hunger aside, it's definitely been worth it to experience.  It's long been my personal opinion that it's stupid to do stuff just because someone tells you to, and I'm including God(s) in that.  But I think the reasons behind Ramadan are beautiful.  I will hopefully never know what it's like to be really, truly live in poverty.  But to experience even this small inkling of it has been eye opening.  At any moment if it became too much, I could always buy a bottle of water or some food.  I never did, but it was there as an option if I needed it.  That option isn't there for a huge population of the world, many of whom live in places that have ridiculously high temperatures.  Also, it's been great to fast along with everyone else here.

Darkness & Despair, Etc...

Everything's kind of twisted up in my head so I think I will try and make several posts to explain the situation.

Here are the things that are worrying me:

* first of all, it is really difficult to imagine the program ending in just 4 days.   I feel like I haven't done enough for these kids.  I feel like my first class is bored and my second class does't care enough and I feel like if I had more time I might be able to figure out how to ramp up their energy, but under the current curriculum requirements for this coming week and with the lack of time available, I can't imagine much changing.  I feel like I'm a really good teacher when it ones to reading stories or articles and then forcing them to analyze said articles and figure out the meaning of words they don't know.  I can definitely tell they're engaged and their attention is on me.  I've come up with good vocabulary games.  They seem happy to discuss their readings and even happier reading.  But when it comes to things like having them sit quietly and write essays or even just simple sentences about their weekends, I'm totally shit.  They say no, they talk loudly to each other in Arabic, and no matter how much I yell at them I only ever get a marginal and temporary control over them.

It is also sad to think of everyone here leaving and going off on my own.  I'm only really close with one person here, but that doesn't mean I'm ready to leave the safety and security of the roof over my head and my 7 roommates to try and make it work via couchsurfing and hosteling.

Furthermore, I don't know if I'm getting a sub letter next month yet, and I'm in increasingly dire straights financially (I've had some stuff stolen during a recent trip to Beirut, but I don't want to talk about it.  I didn't even tell my other volunteers.  I acted stupidly).

*Photography class was pretty much a complete failure.  My co-teacher decided he was making a documentary about the 1948 refugees living in the camp and most of these children don't speak English and I don't speak Arabic and there are 2 cameras (1 broke) and like 20 children and I am not a good enough teacher to make this work.  I tried to make them interview each other and it failed.  I have to hope they at least marginally enjoyed some of the time they spent taking pictures, but even that seems like a long shot in light of their bored and disinterested expressions.

*I'm fasting and I've really enjoyed it, but I can't turn down a free meal if I'm THIS badly off financially (and I really, really am) so I think when school starts tomorrow I will have to start secretly consuming food away from the children.  This is a mixed bag.  I've really enjoyed feeling like a part of something by fasting, but I've also had quite a few mood swings that I know have been caused by lack of food and water, and furthermore, my sleep schedule is complete shit when I'm waking up or staying up until 3 a.m. to have breakfast and so when shit goes down, my energy and emotional strength dips violently.

*I have no idea where I am going to go or what I am going to do in a little over a week.  No.  Idea.  Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

A Quick Update

Sick!

I just had my classes make lanterns, poems and cards for Ramadan, because I couldn't do much else.  I lost even more respect from then than usual, but what happens happens.  One kid made a card for me, which I proudly display by my bed.  My name is now "Miss Mage" according to the card.  I think this is a good name.

ALSO ...I'm going to try and fast.   Let's hope I make it!

A Trip to the Border

On Saturday we went to the border.  It was emotional!  A lot of the Palestinian staff from the Bour el-Shamali camp got upset.  It must be terrible to see your homeland so close and yet know their's no way in.  There was a wall, and yes, the wall looked familiar.  The UN troops there were Indonesian and some took pictures of us.  Some people got angry at me, but I didn't mind much.  I'm sure my government already knows I'm here.  I don't think a picture of me at the border would make much difference.  Nor do I assume my picture will even be put it in a file. More likely some people in  Indonesian will mock the stupid faces the Americans made.

Then we drove onwards to Maroun al Ras.  A stranger town I could not imagine.  In honor of 

Ahmadinejad's visit there a few years ago, the town has virtually been transformed into an

Iranian theme park.  We watched young children playing elaborate paintball games and wondered what the Israelis only a few kilometers away thought of it.  To them, would it look   ike military training?  For whatever reason, their paintball vests said NYPD too.

I then found a mosque there.  It was only two years old, and it was haunting to me to imagine the people who had not yet prayed in it.



A song we listened to on the way:

Then on Sunday, I went to  the Roman ruins on the coast.  Originally, I had planned to join an impromptu boat trip set up by the program leaders, but when I woke up the next morning I wasn't really interested.  I'd been dying to go this whole trip and got excited at the prospect of a taxi driver who speaks English and was at the beck and call of only the 7 of us who hadn't gone boating.  And virtually no one was around so I got to wander them by myself.  It was beautiful.

Now I'm at that restaurant again.  Hezbollah is giving a speech.  I'll have to see how it goes.

River: The Sequel

We took the kids to the river again today.  It was a lot of fun!  It's great to just sit there and watch them.  I'm too tired to post much more than that.

Bilbo found another giant here!!!!!

Frustrations

So I'm posting this from my actual school! They have a computer room with old pcs and slow Internet (but a computer room all the same). The topic of this entry is "frustrations," because we are all going a little fucking crazy. Sleeping 4 to a room and 8 to an apartment is damn tough. Furthermore, students will be students and this is even more true when teaching in middle eastern conditions and there aren't any fans or air conditioning units.

Yesterday I almost snapped a bunch of times. The day before the head of the program had sat in on my class for a little while and made me very flustered. The next day she came back with her sister *and* one of our drivers. In 100 degree whether in that tiny, breeze less room. I started to make huge mistakes. I called quotation marks exclamation marks for like 5 minutes before the coordinator stepped in and corrected my class while her sister scribbled away furiously at notes about my teaching. I thought, "fuck this." I thought, "this isn't worth it." But then they left.

So it goes, I guess. Shit happens. Today the coordinator came into my class and sat there the whole damn time. I practiced breathing excercises. The thing is, of course they have the right to sit in on our classes. But all the same, I felt blindsided. No one told me yesterday that her sister and our driver would come join my class too. I felt like a monkey on display. We went through all these discussions and brainstorming sessions to make sure our kids wouldn't feel that way that it felt like a betrayal when it happened to me. But she didn't know any better and it's not their fault they give me such anxiety. I know other volunteers felt similarly anxious when the coordinators sat in on their classes, but one of them fucked up like I did. It's just that the frustrations of day to say life here magnify things that otherwise wouldn't matter so much. One girl in our apartment who is usually pretty even tempered started shrieking yesterday morning when someone left an empty soda bottle in our living room. Anothe girl kept snapping at everyone who took too long to get downstairs. Everyone is acting passive aggressive, not only due to our crowded living conditions, but also our complete lack of independence.  Not to mention the fact we're all suffering from different degrees of digestive distress and there's only one toilet (two bathrooms, one toilet.  One of the rooms has a "turkish toilet" AKA hole in the floor).

 I have faith this is just a small roadblock though. We will fight through it. We are so much better off thanour kids.

False Advertising & More About My Camp

My apologies to anyone who thought I was keeping a travel blog.  As anyone who actually reads this blog regularly (all 2.5 of you!  Who is the .5?  Is your last name Oblong?) it's just a blog filled with generic posts that happens to often be written in foreign countries and occasionally takes extremely bizarre side turns.  My Facebook was not in my control when it was falsely advertised as a travel blog.  So.  Stop complaining to me!

Also I'm not actually reading tentacle porn here.  It's a joke.  I really will call my memoir that though, should I ever get a book deal.  I feel like I could never come up with a better title than that!  I mean, seriously.


...I have been reading too much Vonnegot.   I would stop, but I feel the only real alternative is tentacle porn.

In fact, I have already changed my mind and started reading that tentacle porn after all. It was inevitable.  A (wo)man can't live on one book alone.  Sometimes eyes must wander!!


I am in a very strange mood.  This week my children have been reading an article about how lions are dying out entitled The King Needs Help.  It is an extremely difficult article to get through, filled with what they consider is incomprehensible English.  My first class, however, has managed to fight through it admirably.  My second class can do nothing but complain about how hot and tired they are.  Since I am sadistic, I made my second class do more work.

I thought I might write more about my camp.  Like I said earlier, I've been assigned Rashidieh.   It is the smallest of the camps.  About 26,000 people live in an area only one mile and a half.  1.5 miles!!!  To put this in perspective, my town growing up had the same amount of people and was four miles big and was largely considered tiny by everyone living there.


My camp is on the beach, but lest you be envoius you should know we're not allowed to swim in it during school hours.  We're possibly allowed to swim in it outside of school hours, but even this is up in the air.  Furthermore, if we did swim in it, we would have to do so fully clothed.  Did I ever mention this?  Whenever we're in public our legs and shoulders must be covered up, and this includes when we are in large bodies of water so we all swim in t-shirts and either tights or sweatpants.  The only exception to this was when we were in Byblos.  I got to show off my sunburned shoulders!  I'm telling you, it was very sexy.  Anyway we're not even badly off.  When our female children went swimming in the river they all went in with shirts, pants and hijabs, poor ducks.


The Rashidieh beach is also extremely dirty.  It is in fact swimming in filth (pun intended this time).  No one ever throws away their trash on the beach, so there's all sorts of weird stuff just lying there.  Empty bags of chips are just the beginning.  When I first went on the beach there was a doll's detatched head just lying there blinking up at me.  It was like something out of of a sci-fi film!!  And what's worse is that the few times I've seen people pick up their trash, they've put it all in plastic bags and then buried it in the sand!  ewwww.  I kind've want to start a "clean our beach" program at my school.  I don't know how to suggest this without sounding condescending though.  Any ideas?


Also we are not actually teaching in Lebanon, we are actually teaching in Palestine.  I don't mean we literally travel to the West Bank each day, I mean there is absolutely no indication we are in Lebanon once inside the camp.  There are Palestinian flags everywhere.  In my hallways alone I've counted 8 different framed posters of Palestine, many of which display multiple pictures.  Many of these are just maps of the region, but some are photos from before 1948.  And everything relates back to Palestine.  In the hallway there are pictures of flowers with a little description saying where in Palestine they can each be found.  The first thing you see when you enter my school are flags hanging from the ceiling that all say "Free Palestine."  Today we were running late so the principal of our school made them sing "the" national anthem.  It only occurred to me halfway through to ask which nation it was the anthem from.  Three guesses which one it was!  I'll give you a hint: It wasn't Lebanon's.  In my actual classroom there is a poster that says "Remember the Nakba: we will never accept another homeland!"  When you walk to the obligatory tourist ship on the camp, it sells everything you can imagine under the sun with the word "Palestine" on it and not a single item for purchase that says "Lebanon."


Another day I will attempt describing the actual camp with the detail it deserves.  It is crumbling, but it isn't too terrible, it's just overcrowded.  I'm not allowed to post pictures, because the people there don't want the world to see they're living in poverty, even though they kind've are.  I mean, no one's starving to death, but no one has much meat on their bones either.


The camp is much more conservative than the rest of Lebanon, even Southern Lebanon like where we're located.  Pretty much everyone wears hijabs with the exception of a few girls, all under the age of 12.  It is rare to see a female's elbow, and you never, ever see her legs.  Still, there is some form of sexual education class, or so we've been told.  And boys and girls aren't segregated from each other, though they rarely talk in class and naturally shy away from each other.

Americanism & My Memoir

It has been brought to my attention that some of my recent actions may appear "un-American."  Well in case anyone was suffering from any doubts about the inherit Americanism of my nature, I have decided to pen a memoir about my travels.  I will call it "Reading Tentacle Porn in Lebanon."  You see, only in America could I dream up- and then actually publish!- something with that title.  I imagine the book will be widely abused in the media and will likely get me banned from several continents for me being such an obviously untreated mental patient, but that it will make a decent profit due to people who, like me, never quite aged past puberty.  Now somebody give me a book deal!

And here, have another picture of Bilbo in Byblos:

Bilbo would like to point out that I write this entry while wearing my school's GSA t-shirt in a crowded restaurant across from several women wearing burkas and that he is not in any way responsible for my mental health.  

Overdue Update

Thursday I got sick.  I had one class take a short quiz (the other class had done it the night before as homework) and I realized these kids don't know how to create basic sentence structures.  So I had them write out sentences using the vocabulary words and then I tried to get the other students to correct the mistakes that were made.  I hope it helped them.

Then I went back to the apt and promptly passed out, sick as a dog.  When I woke up I was disoriented.  I didn't know where I was.  Someone told me (or else I overheard someone say) that it was the fifth and there were fireworks outside so I thought it was Bonfire Night in London for a bit.  The electricity was off so I went to turn the generator on and I electrocuted myself and, shocked (no pun intended), I went back to bed.

Friday I took medicine and felt a bit better, so I went on the field trip with the kids.  It was like watching a civilization made up entirely of children; there were 200 of them, and about 20 of us, all splashing around in a dirty river.  Nonetheless, it was a lot of fun.

Yesterday was amazing.  We went to Jeita Grotto and Byblos.  THE CAVES WERE THE MOST SPECTACULAR THINGS I HAD EVER SEEN.  The ski lift was fun, the statues were nice, the Roman ruins were cool, but the caves blew everything else away.  I HIGHLY recommend going to them if you ever have the chance.  It was like something out of Lord of the Rings, only real.  They forbid taking pictures or I would've taken a fuckton, but seriously, my jaw was literally dragging the floor.  GO!  If at all possible: GO!!  It was more beautiful than Petra!  Petra, you guys!

Expect a lot of photos of 'Bilbo in Byblos' soon.  Here's a preview:

Bilbo says "bummer about your body, dude!"

Lost in Lebanon

This morning two of the volunteers (of the seven at my camp) got sick.  One hallucinated last night and threw up this morning, and the other one was horribly, violently ill.  Yesterday I had felt sick following lunch, but had assumed it was due to the extreme temperature- made worse by the fact I teach in a small, stuffy library room.  But now I wonder if it wasn't something we ate.  That would be horrible because my budget really counts on the breakfasts and lunches we get at our school.

Today I had both my English classes reread the except from "Bad Boy" paragraph by paragraph while I defined any words they did not understand that *weren't* on the assigned reading list.  It's easy to pass by words like "bounce" or "roll" and not even realize none of the kids know what that mean.  Then, after a child had read the paragraph, I would make another child attempt to explain what had occurred during the story so far.  If they couldn't, I then acted out the events.  I also had them each go to the board and write out one of the words without the use of the book. Then I attempted to explain the difference between internal and external conflict.  I can't tell whether or not they understood, but they at least were capable of writing in their notebooks about a past "conflict" in their lives.  My favorite sentence of the day: "My sister took my sweet love so I was embarrassed."  Apparently it's a book according to the volunteer.  I think I like that sentence even more than yesterday's "My lovely is crazy."  My first class finished early so I used the extra time to play "simon says" and "hangman," but the second class didn't even get to the internal/external conflict stage so I assigned them a worksheet for homework and told them if they completed it I would give them a prize tomorrow (most likely a sticker).

Also today's photography class went better.  I'm still not sure how I feel about submitting my student's photographs to the Palestinian Art Festival in D.C.  On the one hand it's a wonderful opportunity for them to advertise their talents and perhaps get funding for their school. On the other hand, it feels a little too much like the plot line of "Never Let Me Go." They shouldn't have to prove they have souls to idiotic Americans, but that's a little what it feels like...

Ok.  Now onto The Rant of The Day.  The biggest issue I have with being located in Tyre is our lack of reliable transportation.  Because taxis here look like regular cars, we are forced to rely on two reliable drivers we know to take us everywhere.  This is extremely frustrating as there are 22 of us, and each car holds 6 of us at most.  If we all go a restaurant (which happens pretty much every day) then the only way to leave is to get at least 4 other volunteers to leave too.  Today a few of us decided to go to the beach, but one of the girls accidentally called a random taxi driver instead of one of our drivers to come pick us up (it's a long story, but basically he drove her to our apartments when she we first got here, and that's how the driver knew where to pick her up since none of the coordinators have been able to give us an address).  So then our main driver drove up and got pissed off that we called someone else and refused to drive us anywhere.  Then the girl got angry he was taking her mistake so personally and refused to apologize and it got fucking ridiculous pretty quickly.  They eventually made it to the private beach with the other driver (minus me and one other girl who got fed up by all the drama), but even so, it's nuts that we can't go anywhere without four other people and that we are forced to rely on two drivers.  We are all adults.

Anyway later we all went to the restaurant El Jawed to use internet.  They are a good enough restaurant, but they are very expensive for mediocre food, so I decided to go find a cheap, Lebanese restaurant  for food and then come back here in order to get one of their delicious giant fruit smoothies.  I didn't find any cheap restaurants, but I found our old hangout and just ordered food there.  Then they took ages because they couldn't break my 50,000 bill (heh) and when I got out it had started to get dark so of course I got lost.  I walked around for about a half an hour kicking myself for not having my phone.  I did not freak out or worry, but all the same I didn't advertise my status as a lost American by opening my mouth.  Eventually I decided to head back to the old hangout in order to hopefully find someone willing to volunteer their computer in order to let me e-mail the other volunteers where I was.  On my way there I ran into one who was searching for me.  It turns out two of them headed out to find me when they realized it had been about an hour since I'd left.   So now here I am.

Bilbo enjoys the grapefruit smoothie at El Jawed

First *Real* Day of Class

So yesterday we administered a test in order to determine what level the kids were at, and then I just played word games with them for an hour.  Today the actual curriculum started.  I got advanced level kids, so I read them an except from Walter Dean Myers' memoir (actual word I was supposed to teach them, but had no idea how to spell) "Bad Boy."  But the things they had the most trouble with weren't the convenient;y underlined words with their definitions, but instead phrases like "a chorus of laughter."  They didn't know the word "chorus" and they certainly couldn't understand it's place in this story.  But my first class of 12 - unusually large because 3 kids who weren't supposed to be with me wandered in- got through it all really well and I felt like everything was timed perfectly.  My second class was another story.  There were only 6 and 3 should've been beginners and 3 should actually be in advanced and there was absolutely no middle ground at all.  I don't know how that's going to work out.  Then I taught photography class with another volunteer and we went up on the roof of the camp and took pictures of the view.

Here is a picture I took from my apt's balcony before coming here:

About the camp: this morning was scary.  We drove up to the military checkpoint and they refused our government issued ID number and made us wait for a while while they stomped back and forth with their gigantic guns and took all of our passports.  There was one with red, sunken eyes who looked like he could care less about life and I thought, for a second, that this sounded like the beginning of a forensic anthropology story Tulane professor John Verano would talk about, with a few random Americans disappearing in the middle of nowhere and a catche of anthropologists getting hired by the families to identify the remains.    Of course it all worked out in the end, but still.

The Views From My Apartment

Technically Bilbo is in this, but not sure he's actually visible....

First day of class!

Things are better now that we are doing more than just "socialising." Orientation was interesting and I'm totally gonna write that up for my blog when I have time, but today classes started so that will probably be never (let's be honest). I love the kids. One kid said "h" stands for hemoglobin and when I asked what she meant she said "like in blood." You guys these kids live in a refugee camp with heavily armed checkpoints, limited access to healthcare and the law forbidding them from becoming doctors.

...these kids are fucking awesome, is what I'm saying. Hemoglobin! Damn girl.

Better Update on Lebanon!

Sorry if the last entry was strange or whiney.  I was jetlegged.  Life is pretty good here.  There are two apartments, and our apartment is especially gorgeous, it has 2 long balconies with lovely views.  There are two bedrooms in each place; in mine there are 8 girls and in the other there are 11.  There are also two boys (eventually there will be 4 supposedly), but they are in a separate building and we are forbidden from visiting them or vice versa.  The rest are located in Beirut (there are 56 of us altogether).  Each of us has a small, puffy mat to sleep on.  The apartment only has "real" electricity for short periods of time, the rest of the time we have a generator.  We are located right outside 2 of the camps.  I will be in Rashidieh teaching English and photography to Palestinian refugees, most of which will be between the age of 8 and 14.  We are located in Sur (or Tyre, depending on which language you speak).  I was worried about my Arabic, but only a few here in the program are fluent.  I've looked up Lebanese Arabic phrases online and copy and pasted them into word and hopefully that will be enough.  Today we went and got our permits to enter Rashidieh.  Tomorrow orientation begins and we will all take a bus to Beirut.

I'm typing this now from a La Costa, which seems to have become the unofficial "internet cafe" of the group (ironically located down the street from a Costa Coffee).  They sell food here too, which is why I think it's so popular.  I've been trying to save money though, since until the program begins monday, all of our meals are on us.  Plus nowhere around us seems to accept credit cards unfortunately.

Apparently we were supposed to have a trip to Tripoli next week.  It goes without saying that it was cancelled.

Made it to Lebanon

So.  After a day in London (write about that later maybe), I boarded my flight to Cyprus, hung out there for a while, and then went on to Beirut.  A cabdriver met me at the airport and then we tried to unsucessfully to find another girl's hotel for a while before finally arriving and picking up an extra two girls from the program.  Drove to Tyre where I promptly passed out.  Then about twenty minutes ago left with them to buy a sim card for my phone and go to La Costa, where we are now taking advantage of their internet.  More later.

Travel Addiction: It's a serious disease

I won't be in a position to actually buy my ticket until Monday- I sold some stocks to do so and will inevitably end up homeless and destitute one of these days. But anyway, now that I will soon be in a position to actually fund my way to Lebanon I am struck by the idea that maybe I should fly out of another European city (other than London which is where I am flying to on the 24th). It seems (at least for now) much cheaper to fly out of Berlin or Vienna. I could travel to one of those cities by bus relatively inexpensively and save myself about $150. But will I be sane enough to endure another 20+ hour bus ride? Hmmmmmm In other news, assuming I do end up penniless one of these days, I have a half-hearted plan that I might then take a bus to NY and try couchsurfing for a few months. Alternative Reality Version of Me managed to make her way around New Orleans for free this way for almost 4 months! But then she was a much bigger parties and sometimes (more or less) traded sex for a comfy bed. I have no moral objections to this almost-prostitution, but my body won't allow it.  Sometimes it sucks being demisexual.

Wish me lucks internet!  I'll need it.

Canvassing

Tonight, I must comes to terms with the fact I may not get hired at this job, as my "training" period comes to an end.  I must accept that it is not the end of the world.

Every day I go outside between 11:45 and 12 and wait for a bus that takes me to a streetcar that takes me to another streetcar.  And then an hour and a half later I arrive at work.  We do pretend "raps" in which we playact as fundraiser & door opener and then go to a shitty lunch drop for half an hour.  Then we knock on doors for 4 and a 1/2 hours while people berate, mock & ignore us.  Then we drive back to the office and fill out paperwork until 10.  Then I wait for a streetcar and then another streetcar and then a bus.  I arrive home at midnight.

They're a lovely organization, but it's the money I'll miss.  Wish me luck on (probably) my last day tomorrow interwebs!

Dear boys & girls

If you agree to go on first date with someone and they can convince you they only want to go back to your place so you can snuggle, and then, once in your room, they try to guilt trip you into a blow job, do not allow yourself into being pressured into doing something you don't feel comfortable doing with someone you barely know who earlier on in your first date told you he wants to seriously date you for a long, long time even though you just met. And then if you somehow do allow this to happen, do not let him manipulate you into not "breaking up" only to have him finally accept it and want to hang out every day until 1 am while he insults you and your poor roommate who seriously just got home from a looong day at work and only wants to sit and watch a little tv before passing out. Don't do this. Instead, realise he is a creeper at the first sign and do not let him into your life. Or your poor roommate's life. You are only giving him positive reinforcement if you don't and them he will go through life all the rest of his days, never realising what a fucking douchebag, piece of shit he is.

 PS this is how abusive relationships start

Lost my phone & soul at work today

Expect a real update soon.

At O'hare

Soooo I went to the doctor's Sunday. On a Cardifian's advice i called the free nhs helpline who basically told me I'd be an idiot if I boarded a plane and didn't get it checked out first. So I went to the walk-in clinic they gave me via taxi.  I stupidly gave the clinic my real name. I wasn't really thinking straight, but of course they didn't check ID, so I could've got looked at for free. Or if I'd lied about the place I was staying at! Really, what was I thinking?! My old schoolmate Emily tried to tell me over fb chat and I hadn't been paying attention. All I could think about, really, was getting my ears to stop popping. That was the symptom that had started to bother me the most, but more than that, I was simply scared of how bad it would get if I boarded a plane.Anyway, all it did was reinforce my dislike of doctors. It took forever to get looked at and then the doctor was just like, "it's a bad virus. It's going around. I can't help you" even though I told her I'd had symptoms for 2 months and they'd only just became worse. Although I couldn't tell her I'd thrown up so much the night before because there'd been a sign that said not to go in if you'd vomitted within 48 hours. Oh well. At least it looks like i dont have meningitis which was my fear, after the vommiting and headaches and the strange rash.  I suppose I could still have malaria, but I'll wait and see if I remain sick just a little longer.  Anyway the good news is, I made it back to the US!! By the skin of my teeth too! I'm not even sure I can afford the shuttle back to my school, that's how close it was money wise after I bought my shuttle ticket and national express coach to heathrow. So thank god/ess/es it worked out anyway!

At the airport, I had time to kill so I consented to a free makeover/hand massage from a Clinique stand. Hilariously, I think I accidentally picked up the makeover guy. Teaches me to stereotype because I thought he was gay and I just giggled at all his cheesy compliments about my skin thinking he was trying to get a sale out of me. But then he got strangely intense during the hand massage and afterwards he wrote down all his contact information. Even then, I was like I am so incredibly gross right now, he must just be trying to compliment me; maybe its all fake.  But I consented to at least giving him my email since it wasn't like I was going to buy anything and I checked and he sent me an email an hour ago asking how my flight was and asking me to dinner in June (when I said I might come back to visit a vaguely described significant other) 0_o.  How hilarious would it be of hes trying to get American citizenship?!  Because its either that or he has a fetish for my skin. Anyway, I'm at o'hare for the night. I just want to write and write and write to put off my emailing my teachers-I don't know what to say!- but this entry is already boring and long enough already. I think I'll read some fanfic on my iPod and then maybe try and nap for a bit.

Stuck in Sussex

My hotel couldn't get my debit card to charge so they told me to walk a mile (in the rain!) to get to an ATM. They drew me an incredibly crude map of Middle of Nowhere, England. It was more than a mile. I finally found it and they did not take mastercards, but I thought 'that must be impossible' because it didn't say that. It said 'go talk to your bank.' so i went into the store nearby and they said "we dont take cards without chips." and i said, "but american cards dont have chips!" he saod, "we take american card, but they must have chips. Everything is pin and chip here." they said, "get used to england." i said "i have a pin, just not a chip." i said "it works fine in London! Are you saying Middle of Nowhete, England is more technologically advanced then London?!" they threw we me out adter that. so then I tried to go back to the hotel to use Skype to call my bank, but everything looks the same in Middle of Nowhere, Enland *and* it was nighttime *and* it was dark. So I got lost. I wandered in the rain for another hour, then jumped a fence and broke into a high school campus to huddle under a bike rack shed because I couldn't stand the rain anymore. For gods sake i am really sick. At about 11 I decided to call my bank, international charges be damned. They told me nothing was wrong with my card(btw it worked fine at gatwick earlier that very day!)  I asked, "what if the card is broken" and they told me that, basically, if it's one piece and it was working fine earlier, it's probably not broken. I said, "but what if it is" because I needed a back up plan. She repeated the card should be fine and then the phone died. At 11:30 it stopped raining, so I went outside again. I tried to hail a taxi, but none of them would stop. I started retching on the side of the road. Finally saw a stranger and asked him if he knew were Europa was. He said miles away. He said he would pay for a taxi for me if one went by. None did. He said, "I'm not a weirdo. If you come back to my place, I will get my phone and I will call you a cab." I looked at the idark clouds in the sky and decided I'd rather risk murder, then a sad, cold, ever sicker night outside. I went back to his place. At one pint we literally went down a dark alley, and I thought "well this is it." But damn if he didn't give me much needed drug-free water and wait with me and pay for a taxi when it finally showed up. He gave me his number in case i needed help in the morning. I went to the desk, now past midnight, and explained what happened. I said. "it's not my fault." I said " I can call the bank right now if you want me to." They tried the card again, and it declined. Then they said (because before they were trying it in dollars) they said "let's try pounds." it worked, and I started crying. That was my night. How is this my life?! How strange. It doesn't seem real at all. Maybe I died huddled in that bike rack and this is a dream? I left my computer adapter in Budapest, but needed to get this down, so I wrote it on my IPod. Good night ever-weirder world.

Vienna

People are complicated; I sometimes forget how complicated, until I look back my own actions and motivations.

Vienna was beautiful.  Before boarding the bus, I had made plans with a couchsurfer named Klemins, to stay at his place for a night.  He had sent me directions, but they were somewhat vague.  He would name things as landmarks, but didn't say if they were streets, or stores, or exits, and so I quickly became lost.  Thankfully, he did not mind me texting him repeatedly.

But wait, I am getting ahead of myself!  The bus ride was long, but oddly cathartic.  I enjoyed the 20 minutes rest stops, because I often did not know what country I was in.  It reminded me that countries are just man-made constructs.  And for the most part, I was mostly fine.  Though STILL sick (what has it been?? 2 months?! But more on that later), I only had the occasional coughing fit, which adaquetly served to keep the seat next to me free.  I did sleep an awful lot.  It was unfortunate that when I wanted to read, everyone else glared at me- and the girl behind me actually poked me- because the reading light bothered them.  Then I just slept some more.  At the very, very end, with an hour left, someone did sit next to me, and she was fucking crazy, and got into a fight with the girl in the aisle across from her, and in the middle of her rant said in English "fuck you and your mother," which was unexpectedly hilarious.

Then I got to Vienna and found my couchsurfer.  He and all his flatmates were really great.  School was cancelled for all of them, so he took me around Vienna and showed things off to me.  Even let me borrow his camera, so fingers crossed I get those pictures one day.  Then we went to the Queen's summer palace and then walked along the outside of the zoo, gazing at the animals.

At that point his only female flatmate caught up with us (who I had a bit of a crush on) and we went to a coffee shop and had cake and coffee for a while.  Then they told me how to get cheap seats to the opera (you buy standing tickets and then they fill you in the empty seats) so I went and did that.  Unfortunately, the opera I went to (Madame Butterfly!  With English & German translations scrolling across the bar in front of me!) was sold out, so I did have to stand, but it was so beautiful that it was worth it.  Definitely worth my 4 euros.

And then I went back to their place and wasted lots of time trying to buy tickets to Budapest, and finally slept, and slept, and slept in the comfy bed they allotted me.  Woke up very, very late, sent postcards, then went to the train station via subway.  I forgot to say earlier, but the subway was amazingly easy to understand.

The train was much nicer than the bus I had taken previously, but there was nothing particularly unique about it.  The view was nice to watch sometimes.  And for second class, it was quite nice.  I would recommend it, certainly.

AND THEN I GOT OUT.  And that was terrible.  I should say, harkening back to what I wrote at the beginning, that I was having breathing difficulties in Vienna.  Klemins had once had asthma and asked me if I had it, and I said yes.  I didn't want to create a fuss.  I was having so much fun!  And I definitely wanted to sty couchsurfing with them.  And so I acted like the breathing difficulties were normal, and went on my way.  And I suppressed most of my coughs, before finding excuses to walk away and cough where they couldn't hear.  I had other problems too, the inside of my thighs are terribly scraped up (long, stupid, surprisingly-not-sexual-story-despite-the-circumstances story) and other, even weirder/more embarrassing things going on.  But I ignored them, and suppressed them, and was fine.

And then I got off the tray at Budapest and had a particularly violent coughing fit, and couldn't breathe, and then freaked out at the hungry look some beggars gave me when I nearly collapsed.  It was getting dark.  <i>I had no plans!</i>  I had thought I would get off the train, and find a coffee shop with wi-fi, and figure my shit out.  I did not see anything that looked like it might have wi-fi.  And so I just kept shuffling forward with my bags, acting like everything was normal, while everything hurt.  Eventually I found a western hotel and enquired about the prices, and just stayed here and calmed myself down and rested.

And then today I woke up, and my cold & flu symptoms that I thought I was finally rid of, were back. I couldn't really sleep long last night, because my coughing fits kept waking me up.  But even so, I was surprised to wake up with a sore throat, and a runny nose, and eyes glued shut.  I really must go to the health center when I get back.

And so here I am!  I bought a 48 hour "Budapest card" and I will go to a museum later.  But I'm going to rest a bit more still.  I woke up early for the hotel's lovely breakfast buffet.  And I may meet up with couchsurfers later, fingers crossed.

On The Train From Vienna to Budapest

On the way to the airport

I literally saw a billboard with the classic evolution lineage image and a giant x through it.  It made me feel guilty, because I was filled with joy at, once again, leaving Louisiana.

Book Post!

I feel like the posts in this blog can be categorized into 3 different themes: things seen & done while traveling, my thoughts on gender & sexuality theory, & my desire to return to the middle east. The last two probably look like contradictions to most people, but human beings are complicated creatures, aren't they? In an effort to have less polarizing pieces of my personality put on display, however, I thought I would make a more traditional blogpost.

So! The books I'm reading:

I was looking through the science section of my local used book store, and this struck my fancy, so I bought it. However, it was clearly written before Sacks' brilliant The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat. I read that book in the 8th grade, and while I remember struggling with certain words and scientific concepts, I remember it as ultimately being a very engrossing reading. The subject matter in this is also extremely fascinating, but also very hard to sometimes understand, especially with footnotes that sometimes last a whole page several times in the middle of each chapter.

It only took me 7 months and several stops & starts, but I finally made it to Book 5 of George R.R. Martin's A Song Of Fire & Ice series. And even now, I'm not entirely sure how I feel about the series. While reading A Game of Thrones, everyone around me was struck by how much I was continually complaining about how the characters' actions were all fairly predictable and stupid. I also felt like Ned Stark was just too one-dimensional. But as the series has evolved, so too have the characters. I find I cannot stop wanting to know how things turn out for them. It's a little hard to judge this book on its own, since it's essentially A Clash Of Kings: Part 2 (as the two books are concurrent), but now, every time I pick the book up, I'm struck by how absorbing it is.  Either I have the book version of Stockholm syndrome, or these books are getting better and better. In addition, I'm learning a lot of archaic Scottish and Old English words thanks to Martin's vocabulary and my kindle's dictionary; it will be amusing to see if any of these ever end up into my conversations, because I already find myself accidentally sounding like I'm from a different century (I really need to up my reading to talking ratio).

My Mom's Ex-fiance's Daughter

The alternate reality version of myself is in town. Sometimes she even stays with me. I really like her, and I really dislike her, all at once. She's a sensitive optimist, whereas I'm a "rolling stone" pessimist. She never shows up to sleep on the couch when she says she will, and she isn't responsible enough to keep her cushy job, and she's couchsurfing everywhere. She drinks too much, and gets people to buy food for her. I made the mistake of introducing her to my friends and now she's moving in with one of them.

Jay says she's just like me, and watching us argue is like watching me argue with myself. I like to think I'll be more responsible 5 years from now (when I'll be her age), but I don't know. She freaks me out. I feel like she's taking advantage of me by not showing up when she says she will- something I've told her really bothers me. I don't like her stomping in at 4 a.m., but if I wake up and it turns out she never showed up, then I worry. And I mean, what if a friend wants to pass out on the couch (as happened over mardi gras) and I say no, because she's supposed to be here? And she stomps into me and Jay's rooms without knocking or asking.

Still, I can't deny the affection that unfurls in my chest while talking to her, or the joy I feel, thinking I have something sort of (but not-really) like family in town.

~Amazing!! Almost makes me want to get pregnant!!

(j/k babies remain terrifying)

Why I Refuse to Believe Erotic Fanfic is a Bad Thing

I've read a lot of anti-fanfic stuff lately (specifically in regards to slash fics), and I'm sick of it being dismissed as the fancy of delusional fangirls. I feel like this is just another example of society trivializing the female sex drive, as well as being homophobic. While it is pretty much cliche for men to imagine female slumber parties where girls hit each other with pillows and then start making out (or getting into so-called "cat" fights and then making out. Or sharing a bed and then making out. Or simply being in the same room and then making out), the idea of women imagining two hetereonormative males making out is considered disgusting, and sometimes downright exploitative by society. Why? Why is it ok for the so-called "male gaze" to dream up lesbian scenarios, while the opposite is seen as perverse? Why is it ok for every teen show in existence to introduce a brief dabble in lesbianism for their female characters during sweeps week which is then "swept" under the rug and never talked about again? Why can't male characters ever be confused? The only example of this being shown on network tv I can think of was when Blake on Glee thought he might also like girls, before ultimately deciding that was the alcohol talking. Which is great and all, but why not show a straight character being curious? Or for that matter, actually have a bisexual male character??

Does male bisexuality only exist in Britain?! Or bisexuality just in general, since the vast majority of "bi/curious female" characters on American network television eventually either end up deciding they were just suspiciously curious during sweeps weeks after all (I'm looking at you The O.C., Melrose Place, Friends, every other popular network show afterellen.com has ever recapped) or that they are actually gay such as Willow on Buffy and Santana on Glee.

It is also perfectly acceptable by tv networks, tv/movie creators, and actors for fans to see subtext between two female characters (to bring them up again Willow and Tara, for example, was pretty much a result of fan lobbying, as was Santana/Brittany), but if fans see subtext between two previously assumed heteronormative men then it is immediately dismissed as being ridiculous (see every adaption of "Sherlock Holmes" EVER. Or "Star Trek." Or "Batman"). But why can't Captain Kirk be bisexual? Star Trek, after all, does take place in the future. I imagine sexuality will only continue to become more open in western society as time goes on- assuming Rick Santorum doesn't become president of the free world. See this lovely article about straight men kissing in Britain, if you're doubtful.

~*** Weird, but important "intermission": I also realize it's super weird to people who don't ever read fanfic that such a huge percentage of fanfic consists of female authors dreaming up homosexual situations between heterosexual male characters. Another night, I'll probably procrastinate on homework again by writing about how I think it mostly boils down to a suppressed wish by young modern-day women to experience sex on equal terms to their male counterparts; we live in a world where society is so still downright obsessed with things like hymens and female virginity, and women are frequently blamed for being raped or abused, and slash is basically a way of bypassing all of that and equalling out the playing field a little bit, while still exploring the boundaries of sexual fantasies in a safe, supportive environment. Mixed in with that, I would say women fantasizing about homosexual sex is really no different than men fantasizing about lesbian sex, and that it likely occurs for largely the same reasons. But that's all for a different night. For the purposes of *this* blog post, try to suspend your disbelief if you have to and just accept that it's not a symptom of some weird mental illness.***~

If porn is considered a normal part of society, why is erotic fanfic considered so abnormal? As far as I'm concerned, I believe fanfic is essentially the "female gaze." There has been tons of literature written about how women prefer reading erotica, while men prefer watching porn. There have been plenty of porns which take inspiration from popular movies and television shows. But god forbid women write about the characters being in sexual situations. Then it's considered exploitative towards the actors, and not, you know, when porn stars are actively trying to look like them while they perform hardcore acrobatics.

I know I'm making wide sweeping generalizations here, and one can argue both porns and fanfic based on television and movies are exploitative towards the actors, but the fact remains that a porno version of a successful movie is often described as inevitable and hilarious, while fanfic is more likely to be described as disgusting and perverse by both the actors who portray the characters and by society in general.

It's my opinion that fanfic is just an extension of how female arousal works. It comes largely from the brain, not the sex organ. And I think it's probably easier and more arousing for a lot of women to insert pornographic scenarios and fantasies into story lines and characters they are already completely comfortable with, then picturing or watching nameless strangers getting it on for money. Furthermore writing a fanfic allows for the insertion of something as important (if not more important) then the actual sexual situations into the storylines: the aftermath. I will admit I'm not an expert on pornographies, but from what I have seen and from what my guy friends have told me, it doesn't seem like there's a lot of pornos that devote screen time to what happens after the screaming orgasms are over with. Inserting a sexual fantasy- especially one that might push comfort zones- into a storyline involving characters the author and readers are already comfortable and familiar with can make all the difference, because the readers can rest assured that the vast majority of the time, the encounter will take place within the confines of a loving and comforting relationship. This ultimately allows for the characters (and therefore the readers) to come out the other side with little or no shame. Or if the characters do end up angsting afterwards, there will at least be a clear warning put up ahead of time so that the readers know what they're getting into when they click on the link.

*And* in the darker fanfics where there isn't a lovely, comforting relationship for the characters to fall back into after they explore their deepest, darkest fantasies? Well in those situations, the author and the readers of the fanfic can walk away knowing that the situation never really happened. In other words: no poor, struggling actors had to perform their most disturbing sexual fantasies in front of a camera, because someone had the imagination and the nerve to dream it up. Fanfic is (at least in a Utopian world where no one is ever made to feel ashamed for the simple audacity of having sexual fantasies) guilt-free. It is erotica to the nth extent, where all the characters are old, familiar friends who may be abused or debased in one fix, only to be exalted and worshiped in another.

Obviously the above scenario for how and why fanfic occurs doesn't apply to all fanfictions; it possibly doesn't even apply to most. There are also plenty of fanfics that have little or no sex in them; and still more that do not even have romantic relationships or "pairings" in them. But I would argue that it's the driving force behind a great deal of fanfic. And I would argue that is not a bad thing.

Happy Mardi Gras New Orleans!

Ok, so I really should've posted about this sooner.  I'm the first person to point out to "foreigners" that it's a season, not a day.  But I've been busy!  If you saw the picture of the Tardis Bilbo found though, that's from Chewbacchus (the parade I walked in last year!).  This year I only saw Hermes, Krewe D'etat, Endymion & Tucks.  I tried to go to Bacchus with an injured friend (long story), but alas, you can't get anywhere by public transport (or god forbid in a car), so we didn't make it.  Anyway happy fat tuesday and congrats to the Rebirth Brass Band on the grammy win; thank you for having a free concert!

Help fund my trip to Lebanon!

I'm Practically too tired to think. And I obviously have to add more to the description. But on the off chance anyone out there finds this and would like to help fund my volunteer trip to Lebanon, please click on the helpful paypal button on the right!

Bilbo found an abused Tardis Outside the Howlin' Wolf This Saturday!

Bad Wolf!

Stuff

Confession: I sort of like Valentine's Day. It is totally a "greeting card," materialstic- bullshit holiday, but I don't care. I like that everything's my favorite color. I like the candy and the cheesy/funny greeting cards and the flowers everywhere the ridiculous stuffed animals. I don't like how someone, inevitably, always makes me feel bad for being single, but I can deal with that. Today I even got free king cake out of the deal. I mean, don't get me wrong: there are much, much more important things in life, but that's ok. The only thing that truly bothers me about the holiday is imagining small children somewhere slaving away to create all the hearts and stuffed animals everywhere. But nearly everything these days utilises child labor, and I can't let that get me down. As cruel as that sounds.

I've applied to teach English to Palestinian refugees in Lebanon. I don't know if it will help. It sounds like children frequently enter and leave large classrooms and that everything is essentially chaos. I don't know if I will be a good enough teacher (or they good enough students) to actually get any of them to the point where they can pass the english entrance exam for high school. And if they do make it to high school, I don't know that it will actually improve their lives at all. But I want to try anyway.

I'm not sure how I'll afford it either. They don't pay. I'm running out of money. I haven't yet decided if I'm going to help my mother with her medical bills either. Even now, my parents make me so angry. Their numerous phone calls and voice messages and e-mails only serve to make it worse. I find myself having pathetic daydreams about having other parents. I am 23. This is ridiculous. I need to grow up.

No one is worth fawning over

No one. Actors, singers, even politicians are just people we've given extra significance to. That does not mean they are better than anyone else, or that their lives are somehow worth more. That's the scariest thing I think I've ever realized, because the illusion of celebrity makes it easier to accept the illusion that the poor and the weak and the hungry in this world are somehow less. But we are all just members of the same mamallian species, and we will all die, and one day we will all be forgotten. I wish, I wish there were more chances, but I cannot make myself believe in reincarnation anymore than I can make myself believe in an afterlife or an all-loving god. And so my goal in life from now on is to not be afraid to fail, and to try and even out the playing field a little for the people out there who had the shitty luck to be born into worse circumstances than my own.

The Body

It bothers me that my body bothers me. I act like it doesn't. Once, to freak out an old roommate, I even walked around our house completely naked. The thing is my body does everything it needs to do to keep me running, it lets me talk, and walk, and eat, and shit and so I should not complain that my right breast is so much bigger, or that my waist bears scars from when I grew too tall, too fast.

It shouldn't even matter for sex, really. I should not be apologetic. There is no correlation between the roundness of my tummy and the tightness of my sex, or my skills at making a lover cum.

So why do I imagine myself otherwise endowed? It does matter, but why?

Suprised Myself

Slept with Boy after all. What a strange place we're in! One part one night stand, one part fiancés! I don't feel ashamed or empowered. I just feel tired.

Strangeness & Charm

Went downstairs this morning to tell the manager I would have to decline the free dinner. But he wasn't there and the guy I talked to didn't seem to understand what I was saying. Typical.

Went out with boy tonight. A very strange, enchanting boy. We went pub crawling and talked quite a bit. I shaved my legs, but I'm not sure why. If I was a different person, I'dve taken him home with me. Might still, I suppose...anything's possible. Still. We missed Sherlock. I was upset, so I made us get off at Baker st. and go looking for the Sherlock Holmes Bar. We failed to find it, so I dragged him into The Globe and there it was.

I still haven't bought my plane ticket home yet.

small update

Went to Canary Wharf today. Walked around, went to the ice sculpture festival, went to the museum of London. It was lovely. Then the manager of the hotel told me that I'd "won" a free dinner. I considered taking it (even though I knew it might just be a rouse to get me on a date), but considering I have plans, I shall say no tomorrow morning.

Sad Day

It started off by finding out someone I vaguely knew has been murdered. It's becoming a quite common predicament for people in New Orleans to be in. So far there's been as many killings as there have been days in 2012. Obviously nothing else will be on par with that, but the rest is that then my b&b told me my room was booked so I'd have to either leave or change rooms (but none of the rooms had been cleaned yet so I'd be room-less for 2 hours). I stupidly took this as a sign that I should save my money and go to a cheap hostel. So I did, but it's dark and it's damp here and I hate the lack of privacy. Then I waited too long to get the theatre tickets I wanted and I realize I've barely eaten in 2 days and I write this, because I do not know what else to do. I feel really drained. For a while now the violence in New Orleans has upset me, but now it's hit home.

I'm so close to graduating, but I don't want to go back.

Theatre I've Seen So Far

Death & The Maiden
The Lion in Winter
Little Women: The Musical
13
A round-heeled Woman
The Haunted Child
Ghost: The Musical

Slight Update

I'm blaming the last entry on exaustion and hunger. I forgot to eat that day and barely ate the day before, and as a result my mind went to the same crazy headspace it gets to when I'm stressed from school and forget to eat. Even though a lot of what I said was true, there are no easy answers, and I must soldier on like I always do.

If anyone out there follows this, I'm simutaneously writing present and past entries from this break. In case you're wondering how new entries from Kenya popped up. Or Cardiff.

I have a really great hotel room! I flirted a bit with the manager downstairs and he must really want me to stay here longer, because he upgraded my basic single room to a queen-sized bed one with a balcony and a flat screen tv with a gazillion channels. I'm a little afraid he'll sneak up later and try and woo me, but if he does, I'll just reject him. I don't get a rapey vibe from him. He's geeky. If he hadn't tried to give me really, really terrible advice about acting, and then basically tell me a story about sleeping with another girl who stayed at the hotel, I'd probably think him cute enough. The room is pretty awesome,

I'm going to see "Haunted Child" tonight at the Royal Theatre with friends tonight! Woot Woot!