Reflections: Part 1

I've spent most of today sick and either having bizarre, delirious dreams or thinking about what to write.  I'm upset at myself for being sick during the last week, and because we're only really getting things together for photography club now, and yet I feel so sick I can barely function.  The only reason I have internet right now is because I needed to check to see if my bank had replied to my e-mail (they had!  Yay I probably won't be homeless!)

I wanted to say something I hadn't been able to fully contemplate, but I've failed.  I'll have to wait until tomorrow hopefully.

I'm not ready for the program to end.

I'm not ready to let go of my students.

And this is made further complicated by the fact I have no idea what I'm going to do next week.

SO THIRSTY

But still fasting.  Staying strong!

Rainbows & Hearts, Etc...

Here are the good things:

*I've finally actually made a friend here!  I'm not a 12 year old girl and I'll survive as an island, but it's nice to be appreiciated.  There are several people here that I've hung out with and enjoyed meeting, but when it came time to break off into groups I was sick of being the one all by myself.  So.  One an extremely personal level, that's been good.

*My hair's finally been dyed!  I was going to wait until the program need and then dye it something crazy, but I got so sick of the multiple layers of gross bleached hair (after the pink washed out) and my friend wanted to dye it.  So.  El humdalilah, it's now dark red.

*The program is almost over.  I just have to keep thinking about that.  This is a good thing as well as a bad, because I am exhausted both physically and emotionally.  I need a break.  I can only hope I will be able to get that.  Even a hostel bed would be better than our pads and ridiculously hard, giant pillows.  Not that I don't love them as memories of my time here, but still.

*Other than the previously mentioned incident,  my time in Beirut was rejuvenating.  We hung out at a feminist centers/cafe to watch two documentaries which I'll talk about later (even more entries!) and they were selling a book about lgbt relationships in Lebanon, which of course I ended up buying.  If I end up staying in Beirut, I will definitely be going back there.  I have this fantasy of staying in Beirut with a job at such a place.  It's nice to think about.

*I contacted my financial advisor so hopefully I will have money soon.

*Ramadan has been amazing.  Mood swings, dehydration, and hunger aside, it's definitely been worth it to experience.  It's long been my personal opinion that it's stupid to do stuff just because someone tells you to, and I'm including God(s) in that.  But I think the reasons behind Ramadan are beautiful.  I will hopefully never know what it's like to be really, truly live in poverty.  But to experience even this small inkling of it has been eye opening.  At any moment if it became too much, I could always buy a bottle of water or some food.  I never did, but it was there as an option if I needed it.  That option isn't there for a huge population of the world, many of whom live in places that have ridiculously high temperatures.  Also, it's been great to fast along with everyone else here.

Darkness & Despair, Etc...

Everything's kind of twisted up in my head so I think I will try and make several posts to explain the situation.

Here are the things that are worrying me:

* first of all, it is really difficult to imagine the program ending in just 4 days.   I feel like I haven't done enough for these kids.  I feel like my first class is bored and my second class does't care enough and I feel like if I had more time I might be able to figure out how to ramp up their energy, but under the current curriculum requirements for this coming week and with the lack of time available, I can't imagine much changing.  I feel like I'm a really good teacher when it ones to reading stories or articles and then forcing them to analyze said articles and figure out the meaning of words they don't know.  I can definitely tell they're engaged and their attention is on me.  I've come up with good vocabulary games.  They seem happy to discuss their readings and even happier reading.  But when it comes to things like having them sit quietly and write essays or even just simple sentences about their weekends, I'm totally shit.  They say no, they talk loudly to each other in Arabic, and no matter how much I yell at them I only ever get a marginal and temporary control over them.

It is also sad to think of everyone here leaving and going off on my own.  I'm only really close with one person here, but that doesn't mean I'm ready to leave the safety and security of the roof over my head and my 7 roommates to try and make it work via couchsurfing and hosteling.

Furthermore, I don't know if I'm getting a sub letter next month yet, and I'm in increasingly dire straights financially (I've had some stuff stolen during a recent trip to Beirut, but I don't want to talk about it.  I didn't even tell my other volunteers.  I acted stupidly).

*Photography class was pretty much a complete failure.  My co-teacher decided he was making a documentary about the 1948 refugees living in the camp and most of these children don't speak English and I don't speak Arabic and there are 2 cameras (1 broke) and like 20 children and I am not a good enough teacher to make this work.  I tried to make them interview each other and it failed.  I have to hope they at least marginally enjoyed some of the time they spent taking pictures, but even that seems like a long shot in light of their bored and disinterested expressions.

*I'm fasting and I've really enjoyed it, but I can't turn down a free meal if I'm THIS badly off financially (and I really, really am) so I think when school starts tomorrow I will have to start secretly consuming food away from the children.  This is a mixed bag.  I've really enjoyed feeling like a part of something by fasting, but I've also had quite a few mood swings that I know have been caused by lack of food and water, and furthermore, my sleep schedule is complete shit when I'm waking up or staying up until 3 a.m. to have breakfast and so when shit goes down, my energy and emotional strength dips violently.

*I have no idea where I am going to go or what I am going to do in a little over a week.  No.  Idea.  Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

A Quick Update

Sick!

I just had my classes make lanterns, poems and cards for Ramadan, because I couldn't do much else.  I lost even more respect from then than usual, but what happens happens.  One kid made a card for me, which I proudly display by my bed.  My name is now "Miss Mage" according to the card.  I think this is a good name.

ALSO ...I'm going to try and fast.   Let's hope I make it!

A Trip to the Border

On Saturday we went to the border.  It was emotional!  A lot of the Palestinian staff from the Bour el-Shamali camp got upset.  It must be terrible to see your homeland so close and yet know their's no way in.  There was a wall, and yes, the wall looked familiar.  The UN troops there were Indonesian and some took pictures of us.  Some people got angry at me, but I didn't mind much.  I'm sure my government already knows I'm here.  I don't think a picture of me at the border would make much difference.  Nor do I assume my picture will even be put it in a file. More likely some people in  Indonesian will mock the stupid faces the Americans made.

Then we drove onwards to Maroun al Ras.  A stranger town I could not imagine.  In honor of 

Ahmadinejad's visit there a few years ago, the town has virtually been transformed into an

Iranian theme park.  We watched young children playing elaborate paintball games and wondered what the Israelis only a few kilometers away thought of it.  To them, would it look   ike military training?  For whatever reason, their paintball vests said NYPD too.

I then found a mosque there.  It was only two years old, and it was haunting to me to imagine the people who had not yet prayed in it.



A song we listened to on the way:

Then on Sunday, I went to  the Roman ruins on the coast.  Originally, I had planned to join an impromptu boat trip set up by the program leaders, but when I woke up the next morning I wasn't really interested.  I'd been dying to go this whole trip and got excited at the prospect of a taxi driver who speaks English and was at the beck and call of only the 7 of us who hadn't gone boating.  And virtually no one was around so I got to wander them by myself.  It was beautiful.

Now I'm at that restaurant again.  Hezbollah is giving a speech.  I'll have to see how it goes.

River: The Sequel

We took the kids to the river again today.  It was a lot of fun!  It's great to just sit there and watch them.  I'm too tired to post much more than that.

Bilbo found another giant here!!!!!

Frustrations

So I'm posting this from my actual school! They have a computer room with old pcs and slow Internet (but a computer room all the same). The topic of this entry is "frustrations," because we are all going a little fucking crazy. Sleeping 4 to a room and 8 to an apartment is damn tough. Furthermore, students will be students and this is even more true when teaching in middle eastern conditions and there aren't any fans or air conditioning units.

Yesterday I almost snapped a bunch of times. The day before the head of the program had sat in on my class for a little while and made me very flustered. The next day she came back with her sister *and* one of our drivers. In 100 degree whether in that tiny, breeze less room. I started to make huge mistakes. I called quotation marks exclamation marks for like 5 minutes before the coordinator stepped in and corrected my class while her sister scribbled away furiously at notes about my teaching. I thought, "fuck this." I thought, "this isn't worth it." But then they left.

So it goes, I guess. Shit happens. Today the coordinator came into my class and sat there the whole damn time. I practiced breathing excercises. The thing is, of course they have the right to sit in on our classes. But all the same, I felt blindsided. No one told me yesterday that her sister and our driver would come join my class too. I felt like a monkey on display. We went through all these discussions and brainstorming sessions to make sure our kids wouldn't feel that way that it felt like a betrayal when it happened to me. But she didn't know any better and it's not their fault they give me such anxiety. I know other volunteers felt similarly anxious when the coordinators sat in on their classes, but one of them fucked up like I did. It's just that the frustrations of day to say life here magnify things that otherwise wouldn't matter so much. One girl in our apartment who is usually pretty even tempered started shrieking yesterday morning when someone left an empty soda bottle in our living room. Anothe girl kept snapping at everyone who took too long to get downstairs. Everyone is acting passive aggressive, not only due to our crowded living conditions, but also our complete lack of independence.  Not to mention the fact we're all suffering from different degrees of digestive distress and there's only one toilet (two bathrooms, one toilet.  One of the rooms has a "turkish toilet" AKA hole in the floor).

 I have faith this is just a small roadblock though. We will fight through it. We are so much better off thanour kids.

False Advertising & More About My Camp

My apologies to anyone who thought I was keeping a travel blog.  As anyone who actually reads this blog regularly (all 2.5 of you!  Who is the .5?  Is your last name Oblong?) it's just a blog filled with generic posts that happens to often be written in foreign countries and occasionally takes extremely bizarre side turns.  My Facebook was not in my control when it was falsely advertised as a travel blog.  So.  Stop complaining to me!

Also I'm not actually reading tentacle porn here.  It's a joke.  I really will call my memoir that though, should I ever get a book deal.  I feel like I could never come up with a better title than that!  I mean, seriously.


...I have been reading too much Vonnegot.   I would stop, but I feel the only real alternative is tentacle porn.

In fact, I have already changed my mind and started reading that tentacle porn after all. It was inevitable.  A (wo)man can't live on one book alone.  Sometimes eyes must wander!!


I am in a very strange mood.  This week my children have been reading an article about how lions are dying out entitled The King Needs Help.  It is an extremely difficult article to get through, filled with what they consider is incomprehensible English.  My first class, however, has managed to fight through it admirably.  My second class can do nothing but complain about how hot and tired they are.  Since I am sadistic, I made my second class do more work.

I thought I might write more about my camp.  Like I said earlier, I've been assigned Rashidieh.   It is the smallest of the camps.  About 26,000 people live in an area only one mile and a half.  1.5 miles!!!  To put this in perspective, my town growing up had the same amount of people and was four miles big and was largely considered tiny by everyone living there.


My camp is on the beach, but lest you be envoius you should know we're not allowed to swim in it during school hours.  We're possibly allowed to swim in it outside of school hours, but even this is up in the air.  Furthermore, if we did swim in it, we would have to do so fully clothed.  Did I ever mention this?  Whenever we're in public our legs and shoulders must be covered up, and this includes when we are in large bodies of water so we all swim in t-shirts and either tights or sweatpants.  The only exception to this was when we were in Byblos.  I got to show off my sunburned shoulders!  I'm telling you, it was very sexy.  Anyway we're not even badly off.  When our female children went swimming in the river they all went in with shirts, pants and hijabs, poor ducks.


The Rashidieh beach is also extremely dirty.  It is in fact swimming in filth (pun intended this time).  No one ever throws away their trash on the beach, so there's all sorts of weird stuff just lying there.  Empty bags of chips are just the beginning.  When I first went on the beach there was a doll's detatched head just lying there blinking up at me.  It was like something out of of a sci-fi film!!  And what's worse is that the few times I've seen people pick up their trash, they've put it all in plastic bags and then buried it in the sand!  ewwww.  I kind've want to start a "clean our beach" program at my school.  I don't know how to suggest this without sounding condescending though.  Any ideas?


Also we are not actually teaching in Lebanon, we are actually teaching in Palestine.  I don't mean we literally travel to the West Bank each day, I mean there is absolutely no indication we are in Lebanon once inside the camp.  There are Palestinian flags everywhere.  In my hallways alone I've counted 8 different framed posters of Palestine, many of which display multiple pictures.  Many of these are just maps of the region, but some are photos from before 1948.  And everything relates back to Palestine.  In the hallway there are pictures of flowers with a little description saying where in Palestine they can each be found.  The first thing you see when you enter my school are flags hanging from the ceiling that all say "Free Palestine."  Today we were running late so the principal of our school made them sing "the" national anthem.  It only occurred to me halfway through to ask which nation it was the anthem from.  Three guesses which one it was!  I'll give you a hint: It wasn't Lebanon's.  In my actual classroom there is a poster that says "Remember the Nakba: we will never accept another homeland!"  When you walk to the obligatory tourist ship on the camp, it sells everything you can imagine under the sun with the word "Palestine" on it and not a single item for purchase that says "Lebanon."


Another day I will attempt describing the actual camp with the detail it deserves.  It is crumbling, but it isn't too terrible, it's just overcrowded.  I'm not allowed to post pictures, because the people there don't want the world to see they're living in poverty, even though they kind've are.  I mean, no one's starving to death, but no one has much meat on their bones either.


The camp is much more conservative than the rest of Lebanon, even Southern Lebanon like where we're located.  Pretty much everyone wears hijabs with the exception of a few girls, all under the age of 12.  It is rare to see a female's elbow, and you never, ever see her legs.  Still, there is some form of sexual education class, or so we've been told.  And boys and girls aren't segregated from each other, though they rarely talk in class and naturally shy away from each other.

Americanism & My Memoir

It has been brought to my attention that some of my recent actions may appear "un-American."  Well in case anyone was suffering from any doubts about the inherit Americanism of my nature, I have decided to pen a memoir about my travels.  I will call it "Reading Tentacle Porn in Lebanon."  You see, only in America could I dream up- and then actually publish!- something with that title.  I imagine the book will be widely abused in the media and will likely get me banned from several continents for me being such an obviously untreated mental patient, but that it will make a decent profit due to people who, like me, never quite aged past puberty.  Now somebody give me a book deal!

And here, have another picture of Bilbo in Byblos:

Bilbo would like to point out that I write this entry while wearing my school's GSA t-shirt in a crowded restaurant across from several women wearing burkas and that he is not in any way responsible for my mental health.  

Overdue Update

Thursday I got sick.  I had one class take a short quiz (the other class had done it the night before as homework) and I realized these kids don't know how to create basic sentence structures.  So I had them write out sentences using the vocabulary words and then I tried to get the other students to correct the mistakes that were made.  I hope it helped them.

Then I went back to the apt and promptly passed out, sick as a dog.  When I woke up I was disoriented.  I didn't know where I was.  Someone told me (or else I overheard someone say) that it was the fifth and there were fireworks outside so I thought it was Bonfire Night in London for a bit.  The electricity was off so I went to turn the generator on and I electrocuted myself and, shocked (no pun intended), I went back to bed.

Friday I took medicine and felt a bit better, so I went on the field trip with the kids.  It was like watching a civilization made up entirely of children; there were 200 of them, and about 20 of us, all splashing around in a dirty river.  Nonetheless, it was a lot of fun.

Yesterday was amazing.  We went to Jeita Grotto and Byblos.  THE CAVES WERE THE MOST SPECTACULAR THINGS I HAD EVER SEEN.  The ski lift was fun, the statues were nice, the Roman ruins were cool, but the caves blew everything else away.  I HIGHLY recommend going to them if you ever have the chance.  It was like something out of Lord of the Rings, only real.  They forbid taking pictures or I would've taken a fuckton, but seriously, my jaw was literally dragging the floor.  GO!  If at all possible: GO!!  It was more beautiful than Petra!  Petra, you guys!

Expect a lot of photos of 'Bilbo in Byblos' soon.  Here's a preview:

Bilbo says "bummer about your body, dude!"

Lost in Lebanon

This morning two of the volunteers (of the seven at my camp) got sick.  One hallucinated last night and threw up this morning, and the other one was horribly, violently ill.  Yesterday I had felt sick following lunch, but had assumed it was due to the extreme temperature- made worse by the fact I teach in a small, stuffy library room.  But now I wonder if it wasn't something we ate.  That would be horrible because my budget really counts on the breakfasts and lunches we get at our school.

Today I had both my English classes reread the except from "Bad Boy" paragraph by paragraph while I defined any words they did not understand that *weren't* on the assigned reading list.  It's easy to pass by words like "bounce" or "roll" and not even realize none of the kids know what that mean.  Then, after a child had read the paragraph, I would make another child attempt to explain what had occurred during the story so far.  If they couldn't, I then acted out the events.  I also had them each go to the board and write out one of the words without the use of the book. Then I attempted to explain the difference between internal and external conflict.  I can't tell whether or not they understood, but they at least were capable of writing in their notebooks about a past "conflict" in their lives.  My favorite sentence of the day: "My sister took my sweet love so I was embarrassed."  Apparently it's a book according to the volunteer.  I think I like that sentence even more than yesterday's "My lovely is crazy."  My first class finished early so I used the extra time to play "simon says" and "hangman," but the second class didn't even get to the internal/external conflict stage so I assigned them a worksheet for homework and told them if they completed it I would give them a prize tomorrow (most likely a sticker).

Also today's photography class went better.  I'm still not sure how I feel about submitting my student's photographs to the Palestinian Art Festival in D.C.  On the one hand it's a wonderful opportunity for them to advertise their talents and perhaps get funding for their school. On the other hand, it feels a little too much like the plot line of "Never Let Me Go." They shouldn't have to prove they have souls to idiotic Americans, but that's a little what it feels like...

Ok.  Now onto The Rant of The Day.  The biggest issue I have with being located in Tyre is our lack of reliable transportation.  Because taxis here look like regular cars, we are forced to rely on two reliable drivers we know to take us everywhere.  This is extremely frustrating as there are 22 of us, and each car holds 6 of us at most.  If we all go a restaurant (which happens pretty much every day) then the only way to leave is to get at least 4 other volunteers to leave too.  Today a few of us decided to go to the beach, but one of the girls accidentally called a random taxi driver instead of one of our drivers to come pick us up (it's a long story, but basically he drove her to our apartments when she we first got here, and that's how the driver knew where to pick her up since none of the coordinators have been able to give us an address).  So then our main driver drove up and got pissed off that we called someone else and refused to drive us anywhere.  Then the girl got angry he was taking her mistake so personally and refused to apologize and it got fucking ridiculous pretty quickly.  They eventually made it to the private beach with the other driver (minus me and one other girl who got fed up by all the drama), but even so, it's nuts that we can't go anywhere without four other people and that we are forced to rely on two drivers.  We are all adults.

Anyway later we all went to the restaurant El Jawed to use internet.  They are a good enough restaurant, but they are very expensive for mediocre food, so I decided to go find a cheap, Lebanese restaurant  for food and then come back here in order to get one of their delicious giant fruit smoothies.  I didn't find any cheap restaurants, but I found our old hangout and just ordered food there.  Then they took ages because they couldn't break my 50,000 bill (heh) and when I got out it had started to get dark so of course I got lost.  I walked around for about a half an hour kicking myself for not having my phone.  I did not freak out or worry, but all the same I didn't advertise my status as a lost American by opening my mouth.  Eventually I decided to head back to the old hangout in order to hopefully find someone willing to volunteer their computer in order to let me e-mail the other volunteers where I was.  On my way there I ran into one who was searching for me.  It turns out two of them headed out to find me when they realized it had been about an hour since I'd left.   So now here I am.

Bilbo enjoys the grapefruit smoothie at El Jawed

First *Real* Day of Class

So yesterday we administered a test in order to determine what level the kids were at, and then I just played word games with them for an hour.  Today the actual curriculum started.  I got advanced level kids, so I read them an except from Walter Dean Myers' memoir (actual word I was supposed to teach them, but had no idea how to spell) "Bad Boy."  But the things they had the most trouble with weren't the convenient;y underlined words with their definitions, but instead phrases like "a chorus of laughter."  They didn't know the word "chorus" and they certainly couldn't understand it's place in this story.  But my first class of 12 - unusually large because 3 kids who weren't supposed to be with me wandered in- got through it all really well and I felt like everything was timed perfectly.  My second class was another story.  There were only 6 and 3 should've been beginners and 3 should actually be in advanced and there was absolutely no middle ground at all.  I don't know how that's going to work out.  Then I taught photography class with another volunteer and we went up on the roof of the camp and took pictures of the view.

Here is a picture I took from my apt's balcony before coming here:

About the camp: this morning was scary.  We drove up to the military checkpoint and they refused our government issued ID number and made us wait for a while while they stomped back and forth with their gigantic guns and took all of our passports.  There was one with red, sunken eyes who looked like he could care less about life and I thought, for a second, that this sounded like the beginning of a forensic anthropology story Tulane professor John Verano would talk about, with a few random Americans disappearing in the middle of nowhere and a catche of anthropologists getting hired by the families to identify the remains.    Of course it all worked out in the end, but still.

The Views From My Apartment

Technically Bilbo is in this, but not sure he's actually visible....

First day of class!

Things are better now that we are doing more than just "socialising." Orientation was interesting and I'm totally gonna write that up for my blog when I have time, but today classes started so that will probably be never (let's be honest). I love the kids. One kid said "h" stands for hemoglobin and when I asked what she meant she said "like in blood." You guys these kids live in a refugee camp with heavily armed checkpoints, limited access to healthcare and the law forbidding them from becoming doctors.

...these kids are fucking awesome, is what I'm saying. Hemoglobin! Damn girl.