The Body

It bothers me that my body bothers me. I act like it doesn't. Once, to freak out an old roommate, I even walked around our house completely naked. The thing is my body does everything it needs to do to keep me running, it lets me talk, and walk, and eat, and shit and so I should not complain that my right breast is so much bigger, or that my waist bears scars from when I grew too tall, too fast.

It shouldn't even matter for sex, really. I should not be apologetic. There is no correlation between the roundness of my tummy and the tightness of my sex, or my skills at making a lover cum.

So why do I imagine myself otherwise endowed? It does matter, but why?

Suprised Myself

Slept with Boy after all. What a strange place we're in! One part one night stand, one part fiancés! I don't feel ashamed or empowered. I just feel tired.

Strangeness & Charm

Went downstairs this morning to tell the manager I would have to decline the free dinner. But he wasn't there and the guy I talked to didn't seem to understand what I was saying. Typical.

Went out with boy tonight. A very strange, enchanting boy. We went pub crawling and talked quite a bit. I shaved my legs, but I'm not sure why. If I was a different person, I'dve taken him home with me. Might still, I suppose...anything's possible. Still. We missed Sherlock. I was upset, so I made us get off at Baker st. and go looking for the Sherlock Holmes Bar. We failed to find it, so I dragged him into The Globe and there it was.

I still haven't bought my plane ticket home yet.

small update

Went to Canary Wharf today. Walked around, went to the ice sculpture festival, went to the museum of London. It was lovely. Then the manager of the hotel told me that I'd "won" a free dinner. I considered taking it (even though I knew it might just be a rouse to get me on a date), but considering I have plans, I shall say no tomorrow morning.

Sad Day

It started off by finding out someone I vaguely knew has been murdered. It's becoming a quite common predicament for people in New Orleans to be in. So far there's been as many killings as there have been days in 2012. Obviously nothing else will be on par with that, but the rest is that then my b&b told me my room was booked so I'd have to either leave or change rooms (but none of the rooms had been cleaned yet so I'd be room-less for 2 hours). I stupidly took this as a sign that I should save my money and go to a cheap hostel. So I did, but it's dark and it's damp here and I hate the lack of privacy. Then I waited too long to get the theatre tickets I wanted and I realize I've barely eaten in 2 days and I write this, because I do not know what else to do. I feel really drained. For a while now the violence in New Orleans has upset me, but now it's hit home.

I'm so close to graduating, but I don't want to go back.

Theatre I've Seen So Far

Death & The Maiden
The Lion in Winter
Little Women: The Musical
13
A round-heeled Woman
The Haunted Child
Ghost: The Musical

Slight Update

I'm blaming the last entry on exaustion and hunger. I forgot to eat that day and barely ate the day before, and as a result my mind went to the same crazy headspace it gets to when I'm stressed from school and forget to eat. Even though a lot of what I said was true, there are no easy answers, and I must soldier on like I always do.

If anyone out there follows this, I'm simutaneously writing present and past entries from this break. In case you're wondering how new entries from Kenya popped up. Or Cardiff.

I have a really great hotel room! I flirted a bit with the manager downstairs and he must really want me to stay here longer, because he upgraded my basic single room to a queen-sized bed one with a balcony and a flat screen tv with a gazillion channels. I'm a little afraid he'll sneak up later and try and woo me, but if he does, I'll just reject him. I don't get a rapey vibe from him. He's geeky. If he hadn't tried to give me really, really terrible advice about acting, and then basically tell me a story about sleeping with another girl who stayed at the hotel, I'd probably think him cute enough. The room is pretty awesome,

I'm going to see "Haunted Child" tonight at the Royal Theatre with friends tonight! Woot Woot!

People Watching in London

Like a nightmare upon waking, the first 19 years of my life are fading. But how do I form a future, with so little of a past? And how do I hold onto a relationship with my family when I barely remember them?

I think I want to be an actor. The only time I could channel my feelings into anything productive was in that stupid acting class. But at 23 i'm pushing it.

I just want to productively use all these damn feelings. I can't keep bottling them up; I can't.

STAND IN FOR PHOTOS FROM KENYA

*STILL* waiting for Jay to send them along

Smells & Appearances

So I smell. I didn't mean to not shave my entire time away, but I could never sneak away in Kenya (to a convenience store or anything else) and then when I got here, it was just easier to keep it up. But then I lost my deodorant and now I smell. I kinda like it, though I do feel like I should apologize when I'm on the tube. Still. If I'm to meet with anyone anytime ever again, couchsurfer, friend, or foe, then I should certainly shave and deodorize. I've noticed that even when I deoderize, my unshaved armpits still waft. And maybe get my clothes cleaned.

As for my appearance...well for a few months I kind've revelled in being ugly and overlooked. But then I went to Cardiff and I got my eyebrows threaded on a whim. So now I have perfectly coiffed eyebrows and a girl!statche. I like that dichotomy too, but now that I'm in for a penny, I'm in for a pound. So. Bye, bye mustache. Bye, bye body hair.

I'll get contact lenses too, when I get back to the states. It will be nice to be pretty again, if only for how much better people treat me. And, well, how much easier it will be to get my way.

It's really shocking how much of a difference small things make. I think it's all in my head, but I notice these things in other people too. Maybe it is psychological, but if it is, it doesn't make much difference to the end result.

Lonliness & Gender

It's getting to the point in my trip when I'm starting to get lonely. I had a wonderful day yesterday: I went to see "13" at the national theatre, I ate wagamama for dinner and then I went back to my fancy hotel to watch Sherlock on its big, flatscreen TV. I love the solitude of these trips I make, and I love getting to do whatever I want (especially after Kenya), but I am starting to get lonely.

There's a boy. Not Ginger. I keep thinking, "Why are you intent on us getting along? We don't have to get along to date. We wouldn't even have to get along to fall in love," but what I really mean is, why do we have to date? Friendships are relationships too, aren't they? They generally outlast romantic relationships, and marriages- many people's idea of the pinnacle of a romantic relationship- well those are supposed to be built on top of friendship. Aren't they? So really, friendship > everything else. Or maybe I am asexual. I enjoy manipulating other people's bodies. But that isn't always a sexual enjoyment. Sometimes I just like the idea of other people being vulnerable and at my mercy.

Or maybe it's the fact that he's straight. I don't like dating straight people, because I don't like the idea of being loved only because I was born with a certain set of chromosomes and a certain set of body parts. The same thing applies to gay people, I know, but at least most gay people I know try to date the opposite gender at least once in their lifetimes and find it lacking. I just hate the concept of disregarding 50% of the population when searching for someone, whether it be for a relationship or sex. I think sex (because of the hormones involved) is sometimes as useful as relationships at getting people to be more open-minded.

And I think gender is more fluid a concept than we realize. The gap between what defines men and what defines women is narrowing. This is almost as true of jobs and appearances, as it is sex. At least supposedly. I obviously can't quote my friends and cosmo articles as being represenetive of the western world. But. At least supposedly. There are some kinky gender-bending sex acts becoming more in style.

As a child I was never certain of my gender. Somedays I was quite happy to be a girl. But sometimes I asked to be called a boy instead. That feeling is rarer these days, but it still exists. If I am ever to be loved, I would like to be loved for all of me. Not just the parts of me accepted by society at large.

But more than that even, I think, I desire england. I desire england above anyone or anything. She will almost certainly break my heart.

That Time I sort of awkwardly met Mark Gatiss & Benedict Cumberbatch

Day 6 in Nairobi

Day 6 in Niarobi was not actually spent in Nairobi at all!! We went to Nyeri! It took forever, but it was actually fun. Our car broke down early on, and it was sort of the best thing ever, because I *finally* got to explore little shops in the middle of nowhere without Jay's mom telling me I'll be raped and murdered if I do. I drank this really strong ginger soda and then wandered off. Later the woman who sold it to me came clucking after me in Swahili and I had no idea what was going on. Turns out if you buy glass sodas anywhere, you're only buying the soda inside, and you're supposed to return the bottle. Jay's mom had to go over and apologize for me, but I was quite sad because I wanted to keep the bottle as a souvenier, like my coca cola bottle from Egypt with Arabic on it. Then I went searching for a dress, in case I later needed to pee ("Turkish toilets" are quite popular there- basically a hole in the ground- and my aim hasn't really improved since Jordan). I found this pretty dress at a road side shop and was pushed into a dank, dark back room to change in. When I turned on the light there were two children there looking dazed, so I ended up giving the lady more money than she requested. Not that that will likely help them much, but in their situation, I think I'd be happy? Hopefully. Hopefully she doesn't just think I'm a dumb American who thinks I can fix everything by tipping. Anyway then we went back to the car. The dress I chose was really short (both for peeing and temperature reasons) and at one point I was laying in the trunk and got to wave at people going by who were probably really confused why there was this random white woman wearing next to nothing in the boot of the car. I couldn't bring myself to care. Then we stopped to get gas

2date4love.com

New Year's Eve!

My night: met up with couchsurfers at waterloo bridge. Drank. Needed to pee so stormed the beaches of normandy (at least that's how it felt) with Ginger!British!guy to get to porter potties. Was traumatized by porter potties. Made out with Ginger!British!guy a bunch. Lost him again. Found him at midnight. Kissed and watched fireworks. Lost him again when HE needed to pee. Was herded like cattle for 2 hours until finally making it onto the underground. Passed out in underground. Was shaken awake at Richmond (thank god!) stumbled out and passed out in guesthouse. Priceless. Happy New Year Everyone!